First I have good news to impart – 2/4 of my drained were removed earlier today. My wonderful surgeon thought results were unbelievable and infrequent with TNBC. I felt hot tears welling and stinging my eyes. Neither she nor I are very expressive and that simple statement said it all. My mom is exhausted by good news, she is still in the state of absorbing them. I am making plans. And this brings me to the discussion of tonight.
I will cite a few of my favorite books. “Heaven has no favorites” (Remarque), “Anna Karenina” (Tolstoy), it opens with the phrase “All happy families are similar…”, HarryPotter when Harry could not feel happy among the living, and finally, “Gone with the Wind” where Scarlet did not want to see happiness clinging to elusive infatuation. Why I am citing those books? I feel philosophical today. I started making plans once I found out I were cancer free and could refocus to living from surviving. My life has been on hold for these past seven months. I brushed away everything – my emotions, less important affairs, hanging out, etc for one single goal – the road to recovery. All my efforts were on working and living through this no matter what (Just like Scarlet). I can refocus now. I will be living. I want to spend time with my friends, I want to travel, I want to live. But the next thing that happens is a harsh realization that I belong to a special club of troubled people and might not find a place among the happy few. Why? I think it is because happy and content people like living in their comfortable bubble. Majority has their own troubles and then you find a connection. A troubled soul can always spot another troubled soul. All of a sudden I feel that I simply need to go somewhere, it is just the matter of choosing when and where. Just knowing that I can is thrilling. I just have to wait to the time I can reach to luggage compartment on the plane and pull my suitcase myself. And I know that happiness is just that one plane ride away. And when I take that ride I will enjoy it tenfold. Because I can. Because I am living. And I will always relate to the troubled souls whether in my favorite books or in real life.
I am so happy for you!!! When you feel up for it, I want to get together. A walk, coffee, lunch, whatever, I just want to spend some time with you and reconnect.
One day we will!!!