We did it!!! (shrill yelling ). Graduation is over. Short lived ceremony and bye-bye middle school. Lots of spoiled brats in designer clothes and shoes. Lei made out of $100 bills. Overpowering perfumes. Frtunately my kid’s friends are better than that. They are spoiled brats but to the extent. Graduation was supposed to be a high point of the week. But realistically we were both so tired that we came home after lunch with friends and… fell asleep. Now I do feel relieved that there is going to be a reprieve from daily extra driving and I now can walk the dog in the morning without setting my alarm clock half an hour earlier.
I also wish I could say that I am graduating from my therapies but I am barely half way through. And honestly, I am tired of being a professional patient, tired of appointments, tests, and treatments. It has become progressively more difficult to keep my ritual of everything I need to take and I wind up simply looking for an excuse every day. I do feel better and just like with all other feeling better episodes my bravado is back and I am making plans. Well, today I saw my surgeon and was brought down a notch – closer to reality so to speak. It frightens me how incapacitated I will be for a few weeks and I am really hoping to minimize the time of incapable. I am also devising plans how to get in the water and swim without straining my pecs – swim belt adult I think is worth a try. I felt really well in the morning and decided to go for full 30 laps (my usual summer routine). And, oh how much I love the water! I really felt almost normal only to get sick at dinner. Pace the energy, ration it, do not overdo it – I need to keep circulating the thoughts and recall that I am not normal yet.
As I said reality check came with the surgeon – normal MRI does not equal to pardon from the disease, final pathology does. So I have to be patient and wait for a week after surgery for a verdict that will dictate my life span and plans for the next 2 years. I learned today that a special breast pathologist is examining the tissue for a week looking for tiny pieces of cancer not visible by the naked eye. And if even 1 mm is found that means more treatment, more bei g tired and messed up. As I am approaching surgery more surgical facts are coming in and I am learning all the nitty gritty of the day of the surgery. 5 hour long operation! Will my brain survive? How is it going to work if I am pumped up with fluids and cannot control my bladder? How do I wash myself postop? All those questions are filling my brain to the brim. I am still set on getting discharged the same day and coming back to work in 2 weeks. But somewhere deep down there is hope that I can travel in October.
I am also mentally preparing for radiation. The likelihood is I will have to go through hell and high water to enjoy the experience to the fullest so to speak. And yes, more than anything I want to live so I will do whatever it takes. I am waiting for that moment when I am able to say “the path to recovery” instead of “treatment journey”
It’s a sad day because I find out that yet another wonderful herbalist, Mary Bose has succumbed to cancer. This time it hits hard. I have seen Mary at various conferences and heard her speak, I have her books and I keep wondering, how come power of herbs does not allow herbalists survive. She is not the first. I suspect some notice the problem way too late. I am not an herbalist but I still do not understand how I managed to miss an almost 7 cm tumor. My guess is- it was there and I just did not want to think that anything could have been abnormal. And this is my naked truth. Just like so many before me blissful not knowing must have been much easier. That does not mean that I will turn into crazy hypochondriac when any extra breath requires a CT scan but I have for sure developed more acute awareness of myself. And since I feel both nauseous and sleepy I will just stop here and hope and pray.
❤️makes you