Here is what I have learned in the last 8 months – all the websites with smiling happy women undergoing chemotherapy or mastectomy and happily using all kinds of clothing, pillows, belts, etc – that’s B.S. if you had surgery there are not enough wedges in the world to make you comfortable. You still wake up every 2 hours just because this is NOT how you sleep normally (it is very close to sleeping arrangements of the French court in 18th century). One small excursion into the past – I was lucky. I had a privilege to see private apartments of Mdame Du Bari in the Versallies. They are closed to the public. They are situated on the top floor of the Versallies and actually her bedroom was quite a small room, hot and stuffy with the small bed. Our guide explained that people ate a lot and slept sitting in order to avoid reflux and heartburn. Hence small beds. But back to me. I have never mastered the art of wearing a head scarf. My slouchy beanies feel hot in summer. Wedges are not comfortable and even though zippered T-shirts were convenient for chemo there was nothing that special that could not be achieved by any other shirt. Maybe all those gadgets make you feel special but looking back…. No one really needs them that much.
I have been trying to sleep on my side and last night I have finally kicked away all the parts of the wedges. The last couple days were quite mundane – sleep, not sleep, sleep again, antibiotic, walk, 2 hours, chase hummingbirds with my camera, breakfast, work…. I think antibiotics are finally getting to me. My tongue hurts and from prior unpleasant taste – now everything is too spicy. I really have nothing else but an antibiotic to explain it with. They call it geographic tongue. I use all the mouthwashes, colloidal silver, chlorhexidine and god knows what else to make it feel better. With great appetite and hunger and have not graduated to enjoying food. Yet.
I am hoping to get rid of the remaining drains tomorrow. I know full well they could have come out had it not been the weekend. I hope I will stop walking like a pregnant woman with drains arranged on my belly in the pockets. Fells like that would be an improvement.
My life has been on hold for the last 8 months and now I am ravenous to do something, to go somewhere. I am looking up tickets and hotels, tours, rentals and trips. I want to live. I am already planning summer 2026. I don’t wat to think about radiation and pretend it is decided – I am not having it. I want to live super fully – as if I can catch up on everything that has not happened in 2025. To Life!